By Chris Trevor, Fe.D
Chris Trevor Fe.D is a doctor of flat earth science at the University of Antarctica, North Pole
A brief glance into the pages of history reveals that humans have always struggled to understand the earth’s shape. In recent times, several groups have clashed against the common consensus about the earth’s shape. The “Jungle Crew” has made it our task to explore these outlandish claims and serve them to our barely-conscious readers (see? you didn’t even notice!) with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Many cultures in the Americas, China, and India believed at one point or another that the earth rested on the back of a giant flying cosmic turtle. This interesting visual has been reintroduced to the modern mental theater by the late author Sir Terry Pratchett. His novels take place upon a disk held up on the backs of four elephants who stand upon the shell of a giant turtle.
Another intriguing theory of our beloved planet is the idea that the earth is in fact expanding. This theory was suggested in 1888 by Ivan Osipovich Yarkovsky, who suggested that a form of “aether” energy is absorbed into the earth causing it to expand. This was later the theses of Ott Christoph Hilgenberg, and even Nikola Tesla whose theories were based on the idea of turning aether-energy into normal matter.
A somewhat newer theory on the earth’s shape came from Theoretical Mathematician Hans Volgrathin from Austria. Volgrathin wrote a thesis in 1954 about how the earth is actually a hollow sphere with the continents and ocean resting upon the interior. Volgrathin’s theory was quickly rejected by the scientific community with the famous moment occurring during an international scientific gathering in 1957, where Albert Einstein supposedly got up from his seat to personally escort Volgrathin out of the room. Volgrathin returned to the gathering for its 25th in 1965 where he claimed to have “propelled” himself from his lab in Switzerland up to China’s capital Beijing. After being rejected by the scientific community for a 2nd time Volgrathin retreated to his family home in Austria where he spent the rest of his days in solitude.
According to our very own gym coach Kathy Alkire, the earth’s shape is of little importance: the earth is really a simulation run by a hyper-intelligent species from an alternate universe. When asked by our brave Jungle Crew about how she knows of this, Mrs. Alkire proceeded to jump around on all fours while yelling “Great 4th dimensional being I beseech you, grant me your power.”
We here at Into the Jungle have saved the best for last. No other theory pertaining to earth’s shape has left us more astonished with its absurdity than that proposed by The National Aeronautics and Space Administration. This so-called scientific group has claimed on multiple occasions that the Earth is in fact a sphere. Though we know this not to be true based on numerous empirical tests, this group continues to poison the mind of our youth with their ridiculous assertions.
Despite being obscured by the conspiracies of mad men, the truth is still clear to us here at Out of the Jungle. The earth is flat, much like the moon. In fact the earth is so flat that the horizon appears to be a straight line. We hope that this brief look at the past will help you ridicule false conceptions of the earth that you may encounter in the future.
Disclaimer: None of the information presented in “Out of the Jungle: Stay woke my friends” should be interpreted as fact under any circumstances. Using this column as evidence on an essay or other assignment may result in public ridicule and an abnormally low grade.