By Alexi Obillo ’18
Thank you for my life here in Bungledorf, where everything is free, and we all live in harmony. Even the misguided souls who choose to take advantage of our communal shares.
Thank you for my day, even the worst parts of it, and especially the best parts of it. Now that I think about it, what did I do today? Well, of course, there was work, but other than that, I can’t remember much. Thank you God, for my memory loss. Oh wait, I do remember something. I went to the beach today! I did not have enough points to join the VIP section of the beach, but the normal sandy shores and basic lawn chairs were suffice for me to have a pleasant time. Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Thank you God for the screaming and crying children at the beach who found it hilarious to throw sand in the air right in front of me and my chair. Finding sand down the drain of my shower was an especially enjoyable experience. I almost had a mind to tell the children’s mothers off, but I refrained as usual and kept to my light reading. While at the beach, I did manage to finish reading Revelations, for the twenty-third time. Oh how I never get tired of reading those empowering words! It is so comforting to know, that one day, You will get Your just revenge on all the misguided sand throwing souls in the world.
Okay God, time to get real. Today, I encountered the most horrific conundrum. These hooligans at my library were talking above a whisper! I could hear these ruffians argue about their history assignment a whole three feet in front of them. I nearly died of horror. It took all the strength in me not to march right to them and tape their mouths shut myself. Instead, I did the righteous thing to do: I left a sign on their table that reminded them to keep their conversations to a whisper and not a decibel more. I also reminded them of Your powerful smiting skills. Yet they proceeded to continue arguing at their current decibel level! I was this close to kicking them out of my library, but I had more pressing matters to attend to. Another group of juvenile delinquents was attempting to check out more than the maximum amount of books allowed, and once I did a little more digging into their library accounts, I found that two of those imbeciles had overdue books! And due to this damned system, I could not make them pay any money for those books.
What, God? Ask for the books back? Of course not! How could I even say a word to these thieves? Dear Lord, please just help me guide these sinners, who have committed grave sins before you, and show them that thievery is never the answer, and that they should return what they have borrowed for two days too long.
Oh and God, as if this day could not get any worse, I was followed around all day by the performance review board. I felt their judgemental eyes on me the whole time I was shuffling around in my library. They witnessed the thievering, conniving delinquents ask to borrow more than the maximum amount! They witnessed my perfect execution of handling the situation, yet they still gave me a subpar review! Even after I so clearly pointed to the rules sign behind my desk, which, clear as day, states that a maximum of ten books are allowed to be check out at all times. And then I pointed to Your cross above my desk, to remind the juveniles that You are forever watching. And they proceeded to check out eleven books. And I got marked down, even though I did everything I could to stop the thieves! Anyway, later after my library closed for the day, I received my official review board score: 6/10. Apparently, I was not strict enough with the rules. They must have been blind or in a crabby mood. You’d think, that after threatening everyone with Your smite, that I’d be considered at least strict enough to run a library. But no, I was too lenient with the kids. Well, the review board is biased anyway. God, please save their misguided souls, even though they did not give me any extra vacation days. Dear Lord I really need vacation days. On second thought, I hope they burn in hell.