I Am Flawed

By Kainoa Evans 

As a human, I loved doing many activities,
And of course, celebrating a lot of festivities.
I loved to color papers to their fullest,
And thought cartoons were the coolest.
I despised spelling and learning to write,
Being told all of the time “you just aren’t right.”

You could say I was more creative,
Singing songs each and everyday,
Smiling widely like there was no other way.
I can’t tell you enough how much I loved thinking,
Imagining a future, a life all through my dreaming.
My childhood was filled with dreams,
Dreams that I felt were truly all that they seemed.

Life moved on before I was ready,
And soon I was in middle school and a tween already.
I couldn’t believe I had grown so fast,
And that much of my childhood was now in the past.
Crayons and silly string were no longer with me,
But iPods and tablets were now the new key.
Classmates were different since we had grown up;
I was not like them, and I held on to the youth cup.

My life became lonely as I realized I didn’t have much companionship.
My family was with me but I didn’t have much friendship.
Until seventh grade, I was alone and not in people’s loop.
During recess, I played by myself with just a hoola hoop.
Teachers tried giving me happiness,
But I was embarrassed and felt I was worthless.
I was different from others and called unique.
I didn’t fit in, and I had smaller physique.
I was immature and obnoxious,
But of course quite self-conscious.

My tears were frequent and flew down my cheeks,
Because I couldn’t fit in with any of the cliques.
The teasing, the comments, and the terrible sneers,
Made my life confusing and so unclear.
I was made fun of for my height and high pitched voice,
So I isolated myself for I felt I had no other choice.
I couldn’t comprehend why I was made fun of.
Maybe I deserved it since I lacked love.
My quirks and personality were one of a kind,
Two things I tried to just leave behind.
When I did so, I felt accepted, but this was temporary.
For the popular people just left me, making me even more wary.
I didn’t feel wanted, but there were people who knew I was wrong.
They gave me hugs and kept me strong.

Seventh grade came, so I spent time with people that were nice.
People who understood me and my absolute love for rice.
Although the haters kept bringing negativity,
I began to fight back with some positivity.
They said I lacked the strength to have athletic ability,
So I worked hard and gained agility.
I swam laps in the pool for hours on end,
And all they did was laugh at me, refusing to understand.
I was aware,
So I did care.

Eighth grade I put myself into school,
Even though not many would view me as cool.
I didn’t care because my friends were right.
School was the ticket to me becoming bright.
I studied, I practiced, and I worked my best,
So I’d know the answers and how to succeed on tests.
My love for school began to expand,
And my friends became my true right hand.
I finished the year with good grades and better friends,
More than I could truly comprehend.

I entered high school at AMHS, which was quite swell.
I mean, it did have that new school smell.
I met new people, but I drifted apart
From my initial friends who had healed my heart.
I almost lost them, but luckily I didn’t.
Their compassion and forgiveness were things I couldn’t hit.
I faced challenges that I’ll never forget,
Things that did sometimes make me upset.
My days sometimes began at four fifty-five,
However, that didn’t stop me from feeling alive.
Exhaustion was great and stupendous,
However, the love of my friends was tremendous.
My first year concluded, and I felt refreshed,
Feeling happy and truly blessed.

Then sophomore year came, and I was taken by surprise.
However, I didn’t let it be my demise.
I argued with friends and drama broke out,
Rumors and words that just that gave me doubt.
I felt anxiety and worthless all again,
Thinking I was back at square one’s lonely den.
I can’t express to you how sad I was,
Believing I was not enough just cause.
My feelings submerged and my friends found out.
I thought they’d respond with screams and shout.
Of course I was wrong.
My friends’ kindness was there all along.

The year wrapped up with much stress.
I did indeed feel like a crazy mess.
Grades, finals, an AP Exam, and so much more.
All was too daunting to not ignore.
However, the year was filled with many new starts,
Stuff as exhilarating as roller coasters and go karts.

Soon summer came, which was pretty great,
Spending each night watching movies kind of late.
I went on trips and spent time with family and friends;
It was so relaxing, and I never wanted it to end.
However, junior year came quick, and I was filled with joy,
As joyful and happy when I was a little boy.

Still, there are nights where I just want to cry,
Fall into my bed and just lie.
I try to cover my imperfections and quirks,
Since I don’t want the judgement and insensitive smirks.
I sometimes feel that I’m in a show,
Unorganized, confused with no place to go.
My exhaustion and stress
Make me feel like a complete mess,
But of course my friends are right here for me
Hoping I find what I should see.

Although it’s difficult, they are true-
I can’t keep wearing this deep shade of blue.
I must remind myself that I am strong,
Keep pushing myself to not do wrong.

However, I am privileged,
Although it’s hard to remember,
Especially in the month of December.
I have a roof over my head,
And a breakfast of delicious bread,
A loving family who helps me with it all,
Best friends who accompany me to the Winter Ball,
A school that’s indescribably amazing,
Truly beautiful and mesmerizing.

Now life is better and much more swell.
My mind-set is something I’m happy to tell.
I’ve learned I can push past my limits,
Even when hours seems to move like minutes.

I’ve learned from my last 16 years,
To put on a smile and just say “cheers.”
For all of the good things with a positive attitude,
Since the most important thing to show is gratitude.
My characteristics and my qualities are in fact one of a kind,
Along with my intricate and individual mind.
Thinking about what you don’t have is destructive,
But remembering all that is good is quite constructive.

Just remember that you too are beautiful,
Your mind, body, and spirit simply delightful.
Remember to be kind as many do say,
Instead of ignoring, open up and say “Hey.”
Remind yourself of your capabilities,
All of your potential and possibilities.

Know that you are appreciated,
Know that you are loved,
And remember to remind those who may not feel this way.
Overcome the nerves and negativity by just exclaiming “Yay!”

Nobody is perfect for we are all human.
Everybody has flaws.
Therefore, without a doubt, I am flawed.

 

Note:

To all of my family and friends who picked me up when I fell down, taught me that it’s ok not to be ok, and helped me learn to love unconditionally and endlessly: thank you. Please remember that you are a strong, brave, and one of a kind human being. Although all have flaws, all have love.